Day 10 post failed suicide attempt – Choose day

5:00am

Nurse takes blood pressure.

Breakfast.

Shower.

Wait for Psychiatrist. It is Tuesday today…

Tuesday: Old English Tīwesdæg ‘day of Tīw’, a Germanic god of war and the sky.

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I never could understand why ‘days’ felt different to people. Some hated Monday, some loved Wednesday, most wait for Friday and Saturday. Religious folk (most of them) practice rituals on Sunday. To me, all days are the same…

You see, when you go to bed at night and fall asleep, you have zero guarantee that you will wake up. I am always surprised to wake up! The same me, the same mind, the same memories, the same likes and dislikes, the same body, the same spirit or soul or presence. It fascinates me.

So no difference for me in the different days, I literally take it one day at a time.

The Psychiatrist arrives and we make ourselves comfortable in the consultation room.

“How are you feeling today?” he asks.

I start my soliloquy: Well, I started dreaming again. I haven’t dreamt since I was 16 years old. I feel rested and calm. I feel focused. I feel as if I am new. I feel one with myself. I am starting to appreciate the unique situation I am in. If I was successful with my suicide no-one would ever have known that I was on the spectrum and suffered from autistic burnout and that it caused my attempt on my own life by myself. I wouldn’t have known! Not my children, my family, my friends or my colleagues. So, I feel like I have a lot to be thankful for. I feel light. I am nervously excited about what lies ahead. I need to review my past, my present and my future.

“Great, it’s refreshing to hear you have the insight to process this information so quickly. Just be mindful of the fact that this euphoric feeling might not last forever and we must be careful to not let a relapse spoil your newfound joy.” he said.

“I know, I know, but it’s just so new and unreal yet known and familiar…”, I add.

“Medication seems to work well for you. Let’s keep it as it is right now. How is the pain in your wrist?” He questions, with concern in his eyes.

“It’s okay, thanks, I am doing okay.” I tell him.

He continues: “I want to start testing your complex, unique situation with you, just to make sure I am correct in what I see and you agree that it feels right.”

We continue to unpack Autism symptoms and experiences which I had growing up and could now place into context for myself. We unpack ADHD and the difficulties and gifts that comes with it. We discuss OCD and OCPD and its drawbacks and benefits. After delving into Depression and its dangers we close off our conversation and he hands me my next assignment: Go and think about your family and extended family and try to see if you can identify any possible signs that some of them might be on the spectrum.

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Lunch

Psychiatrist visits me in the afternoon and we discuss the various ego states and how to bring them closer to the center. We settle on which ego state should be the executive one and how to look at going back to the world without having alcohol as a vice.

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Dinner

Shower

Medication

I slide into bed and have a crystal clear thought. I am new. I am me for the first time. I have my whole new life ahead of me.

I did not want to die. I am not a suicide risk, I choose to live! Today is the day I choose to accept my new reality. Today is Choose Day!

This scar on my wrist is not a suicide scar, its a cesarean scar!

And I drift off into the black void…

Autism

ADHD

OCPD

Autistic Burnout

Suicide and Autism