High functioning Autistic Savant Syndrome – surprised to try and commit suicide

‘Has anyone ever spoken to you about autism?’ my Psychiatrist asked after only 5 minutes of conversation in our first consultation session at the psychiatric ward post my failed suicide attempt.

I tried to commit suicide 12 hours earlier on a Saturday evening. I drove out into the mountains, to be close to nature. I was fascinated by the ferocious beauty of nature, the calmness and the efficiency. The diversity and the plainness. The smells and the sounds. It fascinated me, and that’s where I decided to go for my final farewell. I picked a beautiful spot where I would end my life.

Just some context, I didn’t want to die.

I did not want to die; I loved the adventure of Life!


I was tired. I was drained. I was empty. I was depleted. I was spent.

I also had this feeling while I was driving there that I was ‘outside my body’ like a spectator. I saw what was happening, but I could not stop myself. Almost like being on autopilot on my way to my end. I was aware of every move I made, driving the vehicle, following the path to my final destination with a six-pack of beer and a switchblade in my pocket. I spoke to myself in my head and was repeating the same statement: I am tired…

I reached the spot which I deemed fit for departure from this earth. Had six 500ml cans of beer, swallowed 20 painkillers and slit my wrist…

I thanked mother nature for the full life I lived. I said goodbye to my 2 daughters in my mind and drifted into darkness for the last time…at peace…

…until I woke up!

What?! What the hell happened? Why is there blood everywhere, wait, what?!

It was midnight and the temperature outside was below zero. I realised I might freeze to death, so I tried to fall asleep again. To no avail…

I drifted in and out of consciousness until sunrise.

I had a clear thought: I need to get to a hospital!

I started the car and slowly started driving back along the same path I came the night before. I lost blood and I was weak, but something inside me kept me awake for 2 hours until I reached the Emergency Room at the hospital.

The nurse asked: ‘Sir, did someone attack you? Who did this to you?’.

I replied: ‘I did’.

I will never forget the panic in her eyes…

She immediately called the Doctor and they started asking a lot of questions while cleaning up the gash on my wrist. They stitched me up and booked me into the Psychiatric ward.

In the ward the nurse asked me: ‘Do you know why you tried to kill yourself, Sir?’ and I replied: ‘I have no idea, I am extremely confused and surprised to be here right now.’

She showed me where the consultation room was and told me that the Psychiatrist was waiting for me. I entered the room and the gentleman stood up, asked me to sit down, he sat down and asked: ‘So, please tell me what happened.’

I started talking at a very fast pace about how I saw myself driving up into the mountains with a clear plan to kill myself. I did not want to die, but it was as if I had no control over my actions. I told him about why I chose that spot, I told him about my daughters. I told him about my life. I told him about how great it was to have lived a difficult but adventurous life for 42 years. I told him about my childhood, my parents, my family, my career, my interests, my achievements, humans, physics, mathematics, stars, planets and the history of Homo Sapiens…blah blah blah…all in 5 mins!

He interrupted me by slowly raising his hand in a gesture which meant: slow down, and then he asked: ‘Has anyone ever spoken to you about autism?


4 responses to “High functioning Autistic Savant Syndrome – surprised to try and commit suicide”

  1. […] work at all since alcohol doesn’t solve problems but only makes everything worse. This led to autistic burnout and a failed suicide […]


  2. […] possible sign someone may attempt to commit suicide is a reduction in productivity at school or work. If you notice someone consistently missing […]


  3. […] some people with autism are more high-functioning than others. For example, I have high-functioning Autistic Savant syndrome with co-morbid ADHD and OCPD. Someone else might be so severely affected by autism that they cannot hold down a job or take care […]


  4. […] There is no easy answer when it comes to relationships and autism. Each person with autism is different, so what works for one person may not work for another. That said, there are some things to keep in mind if you’re thinking about dating someone who has autism. […]


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